Kiddies, today I received an email from Oliver Carruthers of Salem, Oregon. Oliver writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, when I married my wife, she made me believe she was very sickly and that we'd have only a brief time together. That was ten years ago. Nearly every week she comes up with a new diagnosis, a new disease, yet none have had the power to do her in. For some time now I've worried that it is all in her head. I've noticed that she also comes up with various illnesses for our pets, and is constantly taking them to the vet, even to the point where she is scheduling various surgeries for the dogs. I know that my vows included 'for better or worse,' but I was really counting on 'worse' being the case. What can I do to ensure that she gets a proper mortal disease? I don't want to divorce her or break my wedding vows, but enough already!"
Well, Oliver, even if your wife does acquire a mortal disease, it might take a while to have the final effect you desire. However, the more time she spends in a hospital, the more likely it is that she will get a serious infection. So don't dissuade her whenever she feels she needs to go, as long as her insurance is footing the bill. You might also consider telling her that the dogs seem to do better when she's away, so that she'll feel her illnesses are responsible for theirs. News like that might cause her to take matters into her own hands to avoid doing further harm to the pets. If that doesn't do the trick, you might encourage her to take up some risky hobbies. Tell her to take advantage of the little time she has left and experience as many thrills as possible. Suggest that she try hang-gliding, sky-diving and volcano-climbing, or that she become a war zone photographer. You've honored your vows to her; it's about time she fulfills her part of the agreement.
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