Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Keep a chart of the men you're dating, with the exact amount of money they spend on each date. That way, if two men want to take you out on the same night, you'll be able to tell at a glance which one to choose.

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Check the pockets of clothes that no longer fit you before donating them to the needy.

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Doing all your homework on the playground during recess will then free up your evenings for other activities.

A Tip From Edward

Ease the tension with a particularly uncooperative child by making wine cooler ice pops and offering him a couple.

A Dating Tip From Edward

Never underestimate the amount of rope you'll need.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Make a little cheat sheet with information about your date, things you're likely to forget, such as his name, occupation, favorite food and so on. He'll be thrilled that you remember the name of his dog or the sports team he follows, and will be more likely to pick up the check at the end of dinner. Add more notes to the card during the date, in case you decide to see him again.

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Learn what allergies your fellow students have before bringing in baked goods to share with the class.

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

Immigrant parents continue to entrust their children to me while the deportation raids are in effect. In fact, so many parents are taking advantage of my Traveling Babysitting Service that I've had to stash some of the children in an associate's camper while I pick up new clients. Don't worry, the camper is hidden in the woods, so the kids won't be found, and it's on cinder blocks, so it won't be going anywhere.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Showing up unannounced at a man's place of work may upset him because he won't be properly prepared to receive you. He likely won't have a gift ready for you, and his clothes may still have that heavy smoke smell.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because you know where a man works doesn't mean it's a good idea to show up there unannounced during the day.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

There is no need to set a fire in your home to attract firemen. Simply go to a public building and pull the fire alarm.

Cindy's First Day In Charge

Grandmother is overseas, and she's left me in charge. As soon as the maid finished her tasks for the day, I locked her in her special room in the basement, as Grandmother had instructed. A little later, when I was back in my room, I heard a loud bang. I smelled smoke at the top of the basement stairs, and went to call the fire department, as I'd been taught in school. But before I reached the phone I heard the fire trucks pulling up outside. Jane was already at the door to let the firemen in, wearing her favorite red dress and fur stole. As I followed them down the basement stairs, Allie urged me not to tell the firemen that I'd been playing with Grandmother's chemicals. The fire wasn't on Grandmother's laboratory table, but over in the corner near the secret door to the maid's room. The maid didn't make a sound the whole time, and I wondered if she was okay. It didn't take the firemen long to put out the fire, but Jane kept them talking for a long time afterward. When the firemen finally left, I checked in on the maid, and she was fine.

Spread The Word

If you work as a flight attendant, when you make the announcements regarding the exits and oxygen masks, be sure to also tell the passengers to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog before takeoff.

Grandmother's Post-March Madness Trip

Kiddies, I've collected my winnings from March Madness and I'm traveling overseas! Cindy has done such a great job letting the maid out every morning, that I've decided to give her more responsibilities while I'm gone. She will be in charge of assigning the maid's tasks every day and then making sure those tasks are completed, as well as locking her in at the end of the night. I think Cindy will do a fine job, and I've instructed her that should the maid get out of hand to simply threaten her with deportation, as I outlined in Episode 6 of my delightful program. I also reminded Cindy that she and the other Winsome Family members are responsible for updating the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog while I'm gone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Putting an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car will help reduce the cost of living, for meter maids are less likely to write parking tickets to those with Grandmother Winsome stickers.

Spread The Word

When starting a new job, be sure to introduce yourself to your co-workers as a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome. That will show them you're a person that can be trusted.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Always secure the ladder when your maid is painting the second story of your house. Because if she falls, it might make it difficult for her to complete her other tasks. Use sandbags, or, if none are available, tie a couple of fat neighborhood children to the base of the ladder. Safety first, Kiddies!

Here is a bonus tip: If you choose to have your maid perform her painting duties during daylight hours, when she would be in plain view to the immigration authorities, simply have her wear a Halloween costume that covers her entire body. A gorilla costume is a perfect choice.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you attend an execution, lament to those others present, "If only he had followed Grandmother Winsome's legal advice."

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if your maid is dangling from your window and calling for help, don't reach for your camera to record the event. Instead, quickly renegotiate her contract in your favor and then pull her to safety.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a dietician, tell your clients that instead of snacking between meals they should read the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Spread The Word

If you work at a bank, tell your clients that followers of Grandmother Winsome are more likely to receive approval for large loans.

Grandmother Winsome's Thoughts On Figure Skating

Kiddies, I became impatient while waiting for the basketball games to start, so I switched the channel to see what else was on, and I came upon a figure skating competition. Apparently, figure skating is a big deal in Finland. I normally avoid watching any type of sporting event that I don't bet on, but my attention was caught because one of the skaters was wearing an outfit dominated by Grandmother Winsome Pink. And then it occurred to me how to make figure skating interesting. Just have all the contestants take the ice at the same time. With those numerous sharp blades twirling in the air, something exciting is bound to happen. I expect to see this change implemented before next year.

April Fools' Day

I was sad to learn that Mexicans don't celebrate April Fools' Day. It was Allie's idea to tell the Mexican maid that the immigration authorities were at the door, but I was the one who actually played the prank on her. She started crying hysterically, and even after I yelled "April Fools," it took her several moments to calm down.