Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies. Along with the mints you give out on Halloween, hand out little notes which say, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Jane's Social Work: Halloween Celebration

Halloween is on a Saturday this year, and I was planning on taking the girls back to the bowling alley for the Halloween costume contest, but the head of the women's center asked me not to, saying the temptation for mischief would be too great for them. So I suggested bringing the party to the women's center, turning it into a haunted house to keep with the holiday theme. She said it was a brilliant idea, and put me in charge of organizing the festivities. After purchasing cobwebs and renting a fog machine, I realized the head of the women's center had neglected to budget for alcohol. So I asked each of the girls to provide some drinks. Knowing them, we'll have a fully stocked bar.

A Halloween Tip From Edward

If you're under house arrest, you can still enjoy Halloween, because this is the one day where the children come to you. Just make the monitoring device on your ankle a part of your costume. One idea that could work well is a robot.

A Halloween Tip From Edward

For Halloween, make a scary mix tape. I'm making a new one to play in my ice cream truck. It is the traditional ice cream truck theme song, spliced with recordings of children screaming that I made over the summer. Because of that children's song that goes, "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream," I thought it would be easy to make these recordings. But what I found is that children did not scream for ice cream. The screaming came later.  This tape should be enticing and terrifying, perfect for our Halloween festivities.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you don't wish to spend money on candy for children this Halloween, stop by some local restaurants, and while pretending to look at their menus, grab several handfuls of mints.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! This Halloween, carve your pumpkin to resemble your favorite Winsome Family member.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When going on your nightly escapades, leave your cell phones at home, Kiddies. While I understand your eagerness to check for Grandmother's Fanny Game blog updates, I must warn you that the light from your phone could give away your position. So just wait until morning.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Just because someone knocks at your door doesn't mean you have to answer, Kiddies.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Carry a severed hand with you when going on your nightly escapades, and press it against any flat surfaces you come in contact with. The police will be baffled at finding the prints of a dead person.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Attaching small squares of carpet to the bottom of your shoes will leave confusing footprints for the police to find.

Fanny Mail: A Manufacturer's Recall

Hi, Kiddies! Yesterday I received an email from Amy Blanchard of Dallas, Texas. Amy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, recently I learned of a manufacturer's recall of the car seat we've been using for little Tina. My husband and I are very busy, and it would be such a hassle to return to the store. Besides, the seat seems to be working fine, and it took us a long time to find one that matches our car's upholstery. Are we under any legal obligation to abide by the recall?"

Well, Amy, the recall is the company's way of covering itself should something go wrong. So, no, you are under no obligation to abide by it. If you haven't had any troubles with the car seat thus far, and time is an issue, I say stick with what you've got, especially if you like the color.

Grandmother Winsome's Advice For Dealing With An Unwanted House Guest

Getting rid of a house guest can be as easy as telling the person it's time to go. But if you wish to be a little more gentle or subtle about it, here are some suggestions:

• Begin sneezing and coughing around your guest
• Tell your guest that someone whom he or she dislikes will be dropping by
• Initiate a personal argument with someone else in the house to make your guest feel uncomfortable 
• Tell him or her the exterminator will be coming by to spray for bedbugs 
• Remove the fuses from your fuse box, and tell your guest it will take several days before the electricity can be fixed
• Serve expired food for dinner  
• Fake a robbery in your home, and target your guest's wallet or purse (but be sure to leave his or her car keys and enough money to get home)
• Slaughter your pet and hang it in the guest room for the person to find