Fanny Mail: Spreading The Word In California

Kiddies, today I received an email from Liz Jones of Irvine, California. Liz writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, regarding your Spread The Word post from July 26th, I discovered that my job does have the policy you referred to, being able to change our name at work if we don't particularly care for whatever name we were born with. So I put in a request with HR to change my name. Well, someone from the department responded to inform me there already is an employee calling herself Grandmother Winsome Fan, and declined my request. What should I do? I like my birth name, but I want to do my part to spread the word."

Sweetie, that is ridiculous. There can be more than one person with the same name at a business. Would they really not hire a highly qualified executive named Joe Williams if there already happened to be a Joe Williams at the company, perhaps in the custodial department? Absurd! But if you don't want to cause a fuss, just tell HR that you've updated your request and now wish to be referred to as Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult. One way to show him your affection is by putting some money in his commissary account so that he can have a cookie for dessert. Make sure there is enough money left over so that he can purchase some deodorant and mouthwash before your next visit.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman decided to set up the poker tables outside again. In the early afternoon, while we were in the middle of a hand, there was a visitor, which excited the patients. And though nobody signed his petition or donated money to his campaign, he did stay there for more than an hour. Mrs. Lieberman told him if he wanted to get any money from the patients, he'd have to win it, and so she invited him to sit in for a few hands. Well, Mrs. Lieberman went on a winning streak and ended up taking all $185 that the man had collected in the area.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, it was brought to my attention that some workplaces allow their employees to choose new names if they are dissatisfied with the ones they were given at birth. Take advantage of this odd policy to help spread the word about Grandmother's Fanny Game. Tell your boss and co-workers that your new work name is Grandmother Winsome Fan.

An Important Message From Grandmother Winsome

Life can be stressful, and while I understand that sometimes you just need a break to enjoy a couple days of uninterrupted reading of the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog, there's no need to concoct a story that suggests you've been kidnapped in order to do that. This is a time to be honest, Kiddies. Simply tell everyone what you plan to do with those days. And don't be surprised if when you get back, your friends and co-workers are off enjoying their own break reading Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be tough, but prisoners are generally more faithful than those on the outside. And if you have any doubts about your man, it is easy to bribe a prison guard with a couple bucks to be allowed to look over the visitor logs.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was another hot and sunny day at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and the patients were eager to spend some time outside. So I took advantage of the situation and held another fire drill. As excited as they were to get outside, it still took nearly an hour for everyone to evacuate the building. Part of the trouble was that Mrs. Lieberman was directing some of the other patients to carry out the poker tables and chairs.

Spread The Word

Marathons enlist volunteers to hand out water and oranges to runners at various points along the route. Spread the word by volunteering to shout out the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game posts to those passing by. Explain to the marathon organizers that your presence will help improve the runners' times since then they won't have to carry their phones during the race.

A Water Conservation Tip From Grandmother Winsome

One way to conserve water is to allow your children to skip bathing for the summer. Not only will this save you money, but it will please the kids, who generally hate taking baths anyway. To add to their enjoyment, and to keep your house from stinking, tell them they can sleep in the back yard all summer too.

An Important Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you see a Grandmother's Fanny Game post that you simply must share with someone across the street, wait for the majority of the bicyclists in the race to pass before crossing.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, particularly if he's feeling glum after his week in solitary confinement. Cheer him up by telling him what a good week you had.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was a hot and sunny day at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and the patients decided they wanted to hold the poker game outside. As soon as we got the tables set up out there, I started sweating. But the patients were not bothered by the heat at all. The most any of them did was roll up the sleeves of their sweaters.

A Water Conservation Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Get a couple of fat people from the neighborhood and put them in the deep end of your pool, and you'll find you'll need much less water to fill it.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

It can be difficult dating someone who is incarcerated, especially when he is in solitary confinement. If you're feeling down, just remind yourself that he'll have no distractions in there to keep him from writing you those love poems he's been promising.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients were still raving about the Independence Day fireworks display. I even heard Mr. Tanaka say he had so much fun that he's going to try to stick around for another year.

Fanny Mail: A Misstep In Dallas

Kiddies, I just received an email from Kayla Madison of Dallas, Texas. Kayla writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am often too broke to afford good alcohol, so I took your tip from June 29th to heart and went to every bridal shop in town yesterday. Most of them, as you said, offered free champagne. But I got so drunk that I forgot the second part of your tip, and I ended up buying a wedding dress. I woke up in it this morning, and there is a significant amount of vomit on the sleeves and on the train, so I can't return it. I put it on my credit card, but there is no way I can pay that bill. I explained to my boyfriend that now we need to get married to pay for the dress, since I am sure the wedding guests will give us money. He didn't seem all that thrilled with the idea. Do you have any advice?"

Well, Kayla, perhaps the best thing to do is cut off the sleeves and train and try to sell it to another prospective bride. Summers in Texas are hot, so I bet a sleeveless dress will be appreciated. And trains aren't quite as stylish as they once were. So by making these alterations you might be able to get back most of what you paid for it.

And my advice to all my fans is to follow each of my tips to the letter to avoid such mishaps, and to leave your credit cards at home when visiting bridal shops for the free champagne.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Independence Day Edition

Mrs. Lieberman was thrilled when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning with my box of fireworks. I explained that her friend no longer lived at the address she'd given me, but that a guy named Manny came through for us. Because of the big box of fireworks, I wasn't able to carry any food or drink from Winsome Headquarters. So while the patients played a little poker, I took a quick walk to the grocery store to buy hot dogs, ice cream sandwiches, chips, soda, a new lighter and two containers of potato salad. In the afternoon when Mrs. Lieberman went outside to set up the fireworks display, I made a big pot of coffee so that all the patients could stay awake long enough to watch the show. The fireworks were incredible, and when each one exploded, it created such a loud boom that the patients shook in their folding chairs. Mrs. Lieberman was delighted, and told me I got much more than she'd expected for the five hundred dollars. At the end of the display, we all toasted Manny with our cups of soda.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Holidays can be difficult if you're dating someone who is incarcerated. And they're even more difficult for your boyfriend. So do your best to get him in the festive mood by lighting fireworks outside the prison walls. Aim the fireworks over the prison yard to increase the chances that he'll be able to see some of the bigger explosions.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside and told me that she wasn't able to get any fireworks for this year's Independence Day celebration because her connection is having some legal troubles down near the border. She then asked me if I'd be willing to go across town after work to see if a guy she used to know still sold fireworks out of the back of his house. I know how excited the patients are for Mrs. Lieberman's fireworks display, especially after the fun everyone had last year, so of course I agreed. Mrs. Lieberman handed me five hundred dollars, but said I might not need that much. When I got to the address, I was told that guy no longer lived there. I was about to head home, when the man who lives there now said that his friend Manny has a lot of fireworks in his garage just a few blocks over. So I went to see Manny. It took the entire five hundred dollars, but Manny assured me that I got the best stuff. I'm looking forward to the big celebration.