A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When decorating your establishment, be it an inn or restaurant, rather than the usual stale art, print out copies of photos from the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog to frame and hang on the walls.

Here are some examples that would look lovely on any wall:

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Until they get this coronavirus under control, if any of your family members exhibit symptoms like runny nose, cough or sore throat, don't assume that they are simply suffering from a common cold. Take no chances with your health, Kiddies. Immediately lock those family members in the attic, and leave them up there until this whole thing passes.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, save the receipt only long enough to test that the chainsaw works, and not long enough that the authorities could find it during a search and use it as evidence against you.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I went straight up to see Mrs. Lieberman about her twitching eye. I decided last week that she would be the subject of my new experiment, but before getting to work on it, I wanted to take some measurements, to see how bad the twitch was, and how large an area it covered, so I would know how much ointment was needed. Because there were no vacant rooms when Mrs. Lieberman moved in two weeks ago, and because Hazel spends almost all her time in her chair, the head nurse placed Mrs. Lieberman in the same room, giving her the bed. And it was in that bed that I found Mrs. Lieberman this morning. As I began taking measurements, she woke up and tried to swat my ruler away. But I explained to her that I was there to help. The rest of the morning I spent down in my basement laboratory, mixing the ingredients I brought from Winsome Headquarters, to make a special ointment for her. After lunch, I applied the first layer of ointment to the area under her eye. Before I went home, I applied a second layer, then left the rest of the ointment on the nightstand with instructions that she should apply it three times a day. I hope that when I arrive at the Birch Street Nursing Home next Saturday, Mrs. Lieberman's distracting twitch will be gone.

A Tip For Boxing Referees

Whenever a fighter gets knocked down, before allowing the fight to continue, ask him to recite his favorite Grandmother Winsome's Tip For Better Living. If he has trouble coming up with one, call the match immediately for his safety.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A barbershop floor is a good place to pick up some extra DNA samples to sprinkle at the scene to confuse the authorities.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, Kiddies, death pools are about celebrities and other people you don’t have easy access to. Listing family members and neighbors would probably be considered cheating by the other players.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last week when Mrs. Lieberman was dropped off at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I noticed a twitch under her left eye. I figured it was simply because she was nervous about living in a new place. But today I noticed that the twitch was worse. I decided that I would welcome her to the Birch Street Nursing Home by making her the subject of my new laboratory experiment. I am going to fix that twitching eye.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

This is a Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice alert. Kiddies, in addition to cameras, some convenience stores now have height strips at the entrances that measure the customer's height as he or she walks through the doors. So in addition to concealing your face, be sure to slouch as you enter convenience stores from now on.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, a new patient arrived unexpectedly. I was down in my basement laboratory and didn't hear the knock on the door. It was Mrs. Patterson's screams that got my attention. When I got upstairs, I saw a man and an old woman standing in the activity room. Mrs. Patterson was screaming that they were there to steal her possessions for Mrs. Shimshack. Sniffles The Seventh started barking at Mrs. Patterson, who then took a swipe at the dog with her magazine and ended up falling over. The man told me he liked my jacket. In my rush to get upstairs, I hadn't taken off the new lab coat that Grandmother gave me for Christmas, or even my rubber gloves. Before I could thank the man, Mr. Pearlman came into the room, shouting "I hear you, Sniffles!" He then tripped over the dog and landed on top of Mrs. Patterson, who began screaming all over again. The man then turned to the old woman and said, "I think you'll be very happy here, Mom." He introduced his mother to me, and moments later he was gone. The head nurse hadn't left me any instructions about what to do with this new patient, and so I left her on the most comfortable chair in the activity room with a note pinned to her sweater saying "Mrs. Lieberman."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, just a reminder: if your trial attorney tells you a hung jury is the best you can hope for, that doesn't mean going out and hanging each member of the jury.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Consider carrying a bird watching book with you. That way, if the authorities become suspicious, you can offer a perfectly innocent reason for looking through the binoculars.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was my first day at work in the new year, and I was excited to follow my new year's resolution to spend more time in my laboratory. So once I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I just made a quick round to all the patients to wish them a happy new year and to remind them to start their chores, and then headed down to the basement to come up with ideas for new experiments. I was so productive, I ended up spending the whole day down there. It wasn't until I was leaving that I remembered to look at the list of chores left by the head nurse. Fortunately, the list contained just the usual tasks, so everything had already been done by the patients.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't write a man off as unworthy of your attention just because he has done a little prison time. He may have simply had some bad luck, and will be much more careful in the future about leaving evidence behind at the crime scene.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you've recently used a dumbbell or jump rope in a crime, this is the perfect time to unload that evidence. Simply place it along side similar items at your gym. With all those overweight people making new year's resolutions, the evidence will soon be covered with many new fingerprints.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A smoke alarm with the batteries missing will look suspicious, but a smoke alarm with the batteries simply placed in the wrong direction will look like an honest mistake.