Winsome Family History: March 31, 2002

It was exactly twelve years ago that Clappy The Clown performed at his final children's birthday party.

Spring Cleaning

Kiddies, it's that time of year again, and we here at Winsome Headquarters are busy with our spring cleaning. I was up in the attic, going through some old files, and decided to discard several aliases that we no longer need. Feel free to make use of any of these that suit your particular needs.

• Alice Windham
• Charles Winthrop, Esq.
• Great Grandmother Winters
• Sylvester Longstocking
• Allison McCallister
• Nora Dunn
• Ambassador Eckstein
• Representative Joel Peterson
• Senator Jane Hilton
• The Honorable Judge Irving Thomas
• Supreme Court Justice Duke Revelle
• Postmaster Jonathan Walker
• Chef Pierre LaFontaigne
• Supermodel Jane Thinn 
• Fashion Designer Eleanor Jane   
• Channel 7 Eye-In-The-Sky Reporter Jude Hamilton
• Dr. Flambeau
• Edna Rohal, RN
• Mad Lisa C.
• Christina Mmm-mmmm Guy
• Stephanie "The Prize" Conti
• Cindi
• Tulip
• Ned
• Ted
• Jed
• Ngandi T’gowi
• Sergeant T.M. McGraw
• General Logan
• Officer Paul Stanford
• Vice Principal Franklin
• Vice Principal Langston
• Vice Principal Holmes
• Vice Principal White
• Vice Principal Gershna
• Vice Principal Voorhees
• Professor Janice Olson
• Professor Edmund Winters
• Olympic Silver Medalist Fran Windham
• Olympic Gold Medalist Susan Sharps
• Coach McGraw
• Lifeguard Charles
• Swimming Instructor Charles
• PTA Member Ed Ward
• Commissioner Norfolk
• Crossing Guard Jordan
• Dennis The Flower Guy
• Dennis The Chalkboard Repairman
• Dennis The Merry-Go-Round Repairman
• Dennis The School Bus Driver
• Dennis The Hall Monitor
• Lunch Lady Lois
• Veterinarian Rhonda
• Best-Selling Author Sue Pritchett
• Max Bernstein, Attorney At Law
• Chief Constable Granger
• Sister Mary
• Father Patrick O’Sullivan
• Rabbi Rafflestein
• Pope Willie II
• Deacon Oliver Schmidt
• Archbishop Desantis
• The Barker Sisters
• The Great Misterio
• Clappy The Clown
• Hotfoot McGraw
• Lou "The Foot" Marino
• Prisoner B-33142
• Jasmine DeCup
• Mistress Ingrid
• Miss Wyoming
• Slim Sally LePan
• Guts McGraw
• Two-Fists McGraw
• Harry "Pigeon" McCoy
• Guido "The Tail" Prosciutto
• George "The Killer" Steele
• The Late Penny Baur
• Lady Primrose
• Duchess Katherine Brahms
• Sir Richmond Humphries
• Sheik Al Q'aissie
• His Majesty, The King Of Sylvania

Cindy's Coat Update

The maid finally finished sewing Cindy’s new cat jacket. Cindy is so pleased with it, she is out right now, taking a long walk in the cool air.

Hoping For A Little More Winter

It’s taking longer than I would have thought for the cat pelts to dry. I’d like to have them ready soon, so that Cindy can wear her new jacket before the weather gets too warm. The maid is standing by with her needle and thread, but the fur is still quite damp.

Fresh Cat Request Update

Thanks to the anonymous donor who mailed me a box of cats, I've been able to move forward with the Time Machine experiment. As you know, Buddy has not been located, and so I sent out a request for new test subjects. Two of the cats this kind fan sent met the experiment's inclusion criteria. I was also able to use the leftovers to address my long-standing question regarding how long it would take for cats to adapt to an aquatic lifestyle.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

If you're obligated to buy a gift for someone you don't like all that much, buy something that everyone else would love but that person would hate. That way the person can't even complain about the gift to anyone without looking foolish and petty.

Fanny Mail: A Legal Tangle

Kiddies, I am always delighted to hear from my fans. Today I received a letter from Ty Washington of Inez, Kentucky. Ty writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am writing to you because I am a big fan of your legal advice column on your blog. And because I am currently in prison. I was arrested for statutory rape. I defended myself in court, using the argument that I was born on February 29th, and so am technically only ten years old, actually a year younger than the girl I slept with. So how can it be statutory rape when the girl in question is actually older than me? And besides, it’s perfectly natural for me to want to spend time with others my age."

Well, Ty, your logic seems impeccable to me, so you should certainly appeal the court's decision. But remember, the law is a tricky thing. You're obviously quite intelligent for your age, but it might serve you better to act more like an average ten-year-old. After all, I don't believe ten-year-olds can serve long sentences in state penitentiaries.