Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, my new experiment was temporarily interrupted by a ruckus upstairs. While searching for his guide dog, Mr. Pearlman knocked over the tray of medicine that Mrs. Henley had organized for distribution to the other patients. The loud bang caused Mrs. Patterson to shout that Mrs. Shimshack was breaking in, and all that noise brought the other patients together, stopping them from completing my list of chores. I swept up all the pills and used them as toppings on a special batch of cupcakes, which worked to calm everyone down. When I finally returned to the basement, Sniffles The Seventh was still peacefully curled up in his favorite spot.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're going to commit an illegal act, lend your cell phone to a friend and have him drive out of town and place a long call during the time of the crime. Authorities can determine the location where a call was made, so this will provide proof you were nowhere near the scene of the crime.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I spent a good portion of the time cleaning my laboratory equipment. One of the cats got caught in the gears, and it took a while to scrape it all off. I found myself daydreaming of auditioning maids the way Grandmother has been doing the last several months, because I certainly could have used the help this morning.

Fanny Mail: A Success Story

Kiddies, I just received this delightful message from Tony "Matches" De Stefano. Matches writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, before I discovered the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog, I had quite a lengthy rap sheet. But since I started following Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice, my record has been clean. Thanks, Grandmother!"

Thank you, Matches! And for anyone else wishing to avoid trouble, be sure to follow Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, some dolls are made with real human hair. Leave a little of that hair at a crime scene to throw police off your trail.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I stopped at the gas station on my way to the Birch Street Nursing Home to fill an emergency gas can for my new laboratory equipment. When I ordered the machine, I didn't realize it was gas-powered. Good thing Grandmother keeps an extra gas can in the supply room at Winsome Headquarters.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you've run over someone and there is noticeable damage to your car, immediately enter a demolition derby. The damage caused by the pedestrian will quickly be obscured by the damage you sustain in the multiple collisions during the event. And, Kiddies, you might just come out the victor and earn enough prize money to put a down payment on a new car.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was an exciting day at the Birch Street Nursing Home. When I got there this morning, I saw that the laboratory supplies I ordered had arrived. Waiting next to the front desk was one large box addressed to me, containing the major piece of equipment I'd purchased, plus all the smaller items. Because of the box's size, it took me a while to get it down the basement stairs. I spent the rest of the day sorting out the items, and hooking up the equipment. All in all, it cost five months' salary to prepare for my new experiment. The sack of cats I've been collecting since early May is soon going to see some action.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you are worried about your chances on a polygraph test, use sentences with double negatives. That way, if the machine indicates you are lying, the people reading the results will be unsure of your intended meaning. For example, if you say "I didn't kill nobody," and the spikes on the readout indicate a lie, you could argue that proves you didn't kill anyone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

A good way to keep people from tracking dirt into your house is to never allow visitors into your home.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I installed a lock on the door leading down to the basement. This will help keep Mr. Pearlman from falling down the stairs again, and also will give me more privacy as I conduct experiments in my laboratory. I did let in one visitor, however. Mr. Pearlman's guide dog, Sniffles The Seventh, was scratching at the door. He happily curled up in a corner and slept, while I cleaned up the laboratory to make room for the supplies that should arrive next week.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

One way to dispose of evidence is to cover it with sugar and give it to the largest kid in your neighborhood.