Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Never allow your maid to become the least bit unruly.

A Tip From Edward

The morning after a snowstorm, listen to the radio for the list of school closings. That will give you a good indication of where children will be outside playing.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you suspect your activities may lead to a car chase that would garner television coverage, make sure you apply your "I’m following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker before you take off.

Clarification Of A Tip For Better Living

Kiddies, as you'll recall, I advised you to give expired medication to your maid and call it a health benefits package. However, I must warn you to make clear to her that the pills are not all to be taken at once, for that might cause her to get a little loopy and be unable to perform her many tasks up to the standards you've set for her.

Fanny Mail: Making The Most Of The Holidays

Kiddies, I am continuing to go through the box of old Fanny Mail. Here is a letter from early December of 2014, sent by Hope McClendon of Middlebury, Vermont. Hope writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just wanted to thank you for one of your recent posts in which you gave advice to parents about enjoying Halloween. While my husband and I aren't big fans of that holiday, we do really love Christmas. But lately the holiday just hasn't been the same since we adopted two children. We took your advice from that post and, with just a slight alteration, applied it to our own situation. In that post, you suggested the parents hire local clowns to take their children for the weekend. My husband and I have hired a mall Santa to take our children on vacation for Christmas. And for a little extra, the Santa has agreed to keep them straight through New Year's Day. My husband and I are going to have the best Christmas ever. We wanted to share this with you and your fans."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I am always tickled pink to hear how my advice has helped. And for those of you who might not recall my original advice to that other couple, you can click here.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

An acting class could help you master the art of crying on cue, which is very handy during a trial. When a victim or witness relates her tale, you'll be able to appear convincingly sad and thus sympathetic. Remember, you don't have to be innocent in order to appear so.

Fanny Mail: Helping Out In North Dakota

Kiddies, I just received a wonderful email from the Phillips family of Valley City, North Dakota, and I wanted to share it with you. The Phillips write: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the world just doesn't make much sense anymore, and many people seem to have gone off the rails. I just want you to know that we are grateful that we have Grandmother Winsome to guide us through these dark and strange times."

Sweeties, your message delighted me. I am tickled pink to be able to help.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

When a man is picking you up for a date, it's perfectly all right to make him wait several minutes while you get ready. And if he honks his horn for you to hurry, don't get upset, unless of course he is driving an old, beat-up car. In that case, you don't want him calling your neighbors' attention to his vehicle.

Fanny Mail: A Child Custody Question

Kiddies, I am continuing to go through that box of old Fanny Mail, but I don't want to ignore new letters and messages coming in. Here is an email I received this morning from Tyrone Washington of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Tyrone writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my divorce was finalized yesterday. The judge awarded us joint custody of the children. My wife has the kids during the week, and I get them on weekends. Is it possible to appeal this decision? I would prefer to have them only on Sundays."

Well, Tyrone, you can absolutely appeal the judge's decision. Then, during the hearing, look a little more ragged, and stage a minor outburst in the courtroom. That will help the court make the right decision, and your Saturdays will be free once again.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Babies

Kiddies, it has been so much fun going through the box of old, unanswered Fanny Mail. Here is a letter from 2014 from Jolene Carter of Morehead, Kentucky. Jolene writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I welcomed our first child into the world a month ago. The baby is adorable, but it has been keeping my husband up at night. So we've moved it to the basement, where it causes less of a distraction. In fact, sometimes we forget it's there at all. Should we make this move permanent and put the crib down there as well? Or will this crying-at-night phase end soon?"

Well, Jolene, the crying phase will likely go on for a while, so I suggest you move the crib into the basement. That way, the child won't roll around down there, possibly knocking over tools or paint cans or whatever else you may have stored there.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If there is a special boy in your class that you like more than the others, create your own Valentine's Day card for him rather than giving him one out of the box.

Fanny Mail: A Pet Question

Kiddies, here is another letter from the box of old Fanny Mail, this one dated 2014, from Audrey Yang of Walnut Creek, California. Audrey writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, is there a warehouse or discount store that sells slightly damaged pets? The pet is for my juvenile delinquent son. The psychiatrist tells me it's a good idea to get him a pet to teach him some responsibility for another living creature, but the police have advised me that there is a good chance he'll end up killing the animal. So I don't want to spend a lot of money on an item that I may have to replace soon."

Well, Audrey, pet stores are usually overpriced, and I have not located any discount pet stores. But there are plenty of slightly damaged animals at the pound, and there you will be charged only a nominal fee. 

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If your date picks you up using a ride share service, and he chooses the carpool option, call an immediate end to the date. However, if the car is nice, be sure to find out if the driver is single.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you’re on a first date and you start having stomach troubles, admitting to it could be quite embarrassing. Instead, tell your date that you are a secret agent, and you just spotted a fugitive walking past the restaurant window and need to chase him immediately.

Edward's "For Your Information"

A good way to keep up with today's music is to attend junior high school dances.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Art

Kiddies, I continue to make progress on the box of old Fanny Mail. This letter arrived in 2014 from Andrea Schmidt of Boston, Massachusetts. Andrea writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, every week my child brings home a drawing she made in kindergarten. Not one of them is any good, but I don't have the heart to tell her. Should I hire a professional art critic to give her proper feedback? Also, she keeps asking why I haven't put any of her pictures on the refrigerator. Do I need to be honest with her?"

Well, Andrea, while I understand your reluctance to display any bad art in a prominent spot in your home, you don’t want to discourage your child at so young an age, for that could lead to bigger problems down the road. One solution is to tell your child that you are hanging up her drawings at work so that you can look at them throughout the day. (Just remember to not take part in Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day.) As for hiring a professional art critic, I suggest that instead you use that money to purchase a small refrigerator to place in the basement where you can display her art without having to see it often yourself. Then you can use that extra refrigerator to store soda or other items you like to stock up on.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When you're making a donation at the blood bank, tell the other donors that you usually give your blood to Grandmother Winsome.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Give expired medication to your maid and call it a health benefits package.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're the editor of your newspaper's obituary page, be sure to write that each deceased person is survived by Grandmother Winsome.

Fanny Mail: A Missing Child

Kiddies, as you know, I've been going through a box of old Fanny Mail. But that doesn't mean that new letters and emails aren't continuing to pour in. Today I received one that requires my immediate attention. It is from Charlotte Pettengill of Ansted, West Virginia. Charlotte writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, our child has been missing for two days. The police are continuing the search, but my husband and I are ready to move on and begin planning the funeral. Do we have the power to call off the search?"

That's a tough one, Charlotte. Sometimes the law is just not understanding of people's feelings. Officials might consider it their duty to continue the search even if you express your desires for them to stop. And you don't want to go through the process of an expensive funeral only to have them find your child alive and well in a week or so. I know it's difficult, but I would let them finish their search. They will get tired of it soon enough.

Spread The Word: Super Bowl Edition

Help spread the word! When you're asked on national television what you're going to do now that you've won the Super Bowl MVP award, tell the world that you're going to go home and check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

Fanny Mail: A Photo From North Hollywood

Kiddies, I just received a wonderful photo and message from Ami Rhodes of North Hollywood, California. Ami writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power is now run by fans of Grandmother's Fanny Game, as evidenced by new paint jobs using Grandmother Winsome pink. Just wanted to let you know, Grandmother!"

Thank you for sharing, Sweetie! That is excellent news.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're crossing the street in front of an expensive car, walk slowly to give the driver a chance to admire you.

Edward's Valentine's Day Promotion

Not as many children have been lining up to sit on my lap at the local mall now that Christmas is more than a month past. So I've convinced the mall's director of operations to let me try a new promotion. I've created a Cupid costume, and will be welcoming children to whisper in my ear their Valentine's Day wishes.

Fanny Mail: A Letter From Scarsdale

Kiddies, I am really making progress on that box of old Fanny Mail. Today I answer another 2013 letter, this one from Morgan Wendt, of Scarsdale, New York. Morgan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, an old friend of mine spent years living with a tribe of cannibals, and picked up some of their habits and customs. He’s finally returning to this country, and I’m throwing a big surprise dinner to celebrate. I was just wondering, what’s the best wine to serve with children?"

Well, Morgan, there is very little in the etiquette books about this matter. But I would think if the children were quite young, white wine would be appropriate. And if the children are older, go with a nice Merlot or pinot noir.

Spread The Word: Olympics Edition

If you're an athlete representing a small, relatively unknown country in the Olympics, make a splash during the opening ceremony by changing the colors of your nation's flag to Grandmother Winsome pink.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Exhumation

Kiddies, I am still going through that box of old Fanny Mail. Today I am answering a 2013 letter from Krissy Olin of Waynesburg, Pennsylvania. Krissy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, how many times are you allowed to exhume the same corpse? I want to teach my children about the natural process of decay. And the kids really miss their Aunt Jenny and want to see her again."

Well, Krissy, depending on how many friends you have in your local government, you may be able to obtain permission to have the body exhumed more than once. But in general, it is likely you'd only be allowed to exhume the corpse one time, and you'd have to provide a substantial reason for it. However, if the cemetery is far enough away from the main thoroughfare of your town and you have the proper tools, you could do the work yourself as often as you like. Each time you do it, be sure to plant new grass over the grave and leave a sign saying, "Fresh grass, keep off," which will help avoid suspicion.

Fanny Mail: Kiwi Love Troubles

Kiddies, over the weekend I went through a box of old Fanny Mail, and today I am answering a 2012 letter from Charlie Whitaker of Ashburton, New Zealand. Charlie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been dating a woman for about a year, and at first things were going really well. The problem is she has a conjoined twin, and now I've fallen in love with the twin. I know it would break my girlfriend's heart to learn this, but it's proving difficult to keep our affair secret from her. Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated."

Well, Charlie, you may have already found a solution, as your letter is from several years ago. But I am responding anyway, as this is likely not an uncommon problem, particularly along the carnival circuit. Charlie, I imagine you're waiting until your girlfriend is asleep before stealing kisses from her twin. As you must be aware, that can only get you so far. One of these days your girlfriend will wake, and that is a scene you clearly want to avoid. The solution is to slip her some strong sedatives. However, depending on which organs the twins share, this could affect your beloved as well. What you have to ask yourself is if it's important that she be awake while you enjoy those intimate moments.

A Tip From Edward

To avoid disobeying an area's cruising law, simply park your van in one spot and stay there as long as you like.

A Tip From Edward

Check the dumpsters behind climbing gyms for discarded ropes. Later, after you've made good use of them, return the ropes to those dumpsters. You won't have to worry if the police find them, since there will be plenty of other DNA on them already.

Jane Helps At-Risk Women

I decided I would improve the lives of at-risk women this year. Last night I spotted two of the girls who had taken my December course entering a women's self-defense class. I quickly pulled them away from there, explaining to them that that is no way to meet a man. I reminded them of a few key points from my dating class, and we then spent the rest of the night bar-hopping. It is so rewarding to follow through on my New Year's resolution.

Spread The Word

After a game, when lining up to shake hands with the other team, rather than uttering the cliché "Good game" to each player, say "Follow Grandmother Winsome."

Fanny Mail: A Message For Safe Travelers

Kiddies, today I received a delightful message from Pam Phillips of Denver, Colorado. Pam writes: “Dear Grandmother Winsome, I make it a habit when I fly to go and meet all those seated in the emergency exit rows before takeoff. I introduce myself and ask each person if he or she knows of Grandmother Winsome. If at least one person has heard of you, I take my seat and relax. If not, I grab my carry-on luggage and exit the plane immediately. I refuse to trust my life to a group of people who haven’t heard of Grandmother Winsome.”

Sweetie, I am simply tickled pink by your message. And you are right not to trust people who don't follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your internet service is down, when you call your provider to complain, be sure to say that you've suffered hardship because you've been unable to check Grandmother's Fanny Game for updates. They will be more likely to move your work order to the top of the priority list and provide you with a hefty refund.

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment

I am just about ready to start my cryonics experiment, Kiddies! Cindy did a superb job picking out the cats. Of the sixteen she collected, only one did not meet my rigid criteria. In moments, the cats will be sealed into the cryogenic tanks. The Mexican maid is wearing her rubber gloves to protect her from scratches by the cats and from the cold temperature. In my research, I found that the temperature most often accepted by the scientific community is -196 degrees Celsius, so that's the temperature I'm using. Updates on this experiment will be posted here on Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy Helps Out Around The Laboratory

I told Grandmother I wanted to pitch in more around the laboratory this year. This morning she gave me the important job of finding the healthiest cats in the area for her new experiment. After looking around my neighborhood for several hours, I found only one cat, and it was missing a leg and its whiskers, and appeared to be sleeping. So I walked to another neighborhood to find the cats Grandmother needs. It feels good to follow through on my New Year's resolution.

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment

Kiddies, the cryogenic tanks arrived this morning! I am setting them up and Cindy is outside gathering the cats. I predict my experiment is going to be more successful than the ones done on humans, because I won't wait for my subjects to die before freezing them.

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment

While waiting for the cryogenic tanks to arrive, I've been doing more research. I've concluded that the best spot in Winsome Headquarters to carry out this experiment is the smallest, coldest room, which is the Mexican maid's quarters, deep in the back of the basement. It's been nearly a year since my neighbors' maids were taken by immigration officials, and in all the time since then the authorities have not once stepped foot on the grounds of Winsome Headquarters, so I think my Mexican maid will be safe sleeping in the laundry room. I expect the cryogenic tanks to arrive any day now, Kiddies!

Minutes Of The January 14th Workday

Kiddies, there was so much going on at Winsome Headquarters this past weekend, I've decided to release the minutes of the January 14th workday.

 

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment

Kiddies, yesterday's Fanny Mail from Ray Anderson got me so excited that I immediately began my research. Cryonics is an intriguing field, and there is still a lot of speculation and conjecture, making it an area perfect for experimenting. Certain connections I have came through for me, and I was able to obtain several cryogenic tanks, which should arrive by the end of the week. I went with the smaller models, designed just for human heads, because my test subjects will fit well in those.

Fanny Mail: A Message From Michigan

Kiddies, today I received an interesting email from Ray Anderson of Rochester Hills, Michigan. Ray writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I have wonderful news. My longtime girlfriend has finally agreed to marry me. We set a date for this June. The one stipulation she set is that both her parents must attend the wedding. I agreed, of course. The problem is that her father is cryonically preserved. So she wants to hold the ceremony at the cryonics facility. I always imagined an outdoor wedding, preferably at the beach. Is it possible to defrost her dad long enough for him to take part in the wedding, and then re-freeze him, without causing any lasting damage?"

Well, Sweetie, that's a good question. Now you've got me curious. I'm going to look into this, and I hope to have an answer for you before the wedding invitations go out.

Fanny Mail: An Important Message For The Medical Profession

Kiddies, today I received an email from Dr. Charles Livingston of Seattle, Washington. Dr. Charles writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I want to relate to you an experience I had recently on a plane so that you may share it with your loyal readers. I am a doctor, and on my flight this past weekend a fellow passenger had a medical emergency. The flight attendant asked, 'Is there is a doctor on board?' I pressed my call button, then sprang into action, using my medical knowledge to save the elderly man's life. As a thank-you from the airline, I received a bottle of wine. I just want to warn others who might volunteer that it is not worth it. If you give up your seat due to a full flight, the airline will give you at least a $300 voucher. But for saving someone's life, and keeping the company from a potential public relations nightmare, you get just a $10 bottle of wine. Definitely not worth the effort."

Thank you, Dr. Charles, for your message. I am sure my many readers in the medical profession will be grateful for the information.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Be wary of a man who doesn't want you to have your own hobbies, like using his credit card to purchase furs and makeup.

Grandmother Winsome's Tip For The Workplace

To set your employees at ease in the current state of rampant sexual harassment, simply gather them all together and inform them that you have no sexual interest in any of them whatsoever.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

To meet an employed man, order some food or other items from a delivery service, and then answer the door in your most stunning or provocative outfit.

Spread The Word

If you belong to one of those religious groups that enjoy going door-to-door, instead of the usual spiel, tell the folks who answer their doors to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game. For a change, they will be glad you stopped by.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Many employed men go to the gym before work in the morning. So if you're still out from the night before, stop in and strike up some conversations.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

I hear there is a good chance of lake-effect snow in the Syracuse area tomorrow, so I am heading there now. Kids are often tasked with shoveling their driveways, which is strenuous activity for the youngsters. But I will be there in time to soothe their aches and pains.