Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #9)

Ladies, don’t wait until the week before Christmas to meet someone. Because then he is under no obligation to buy you a gift. It’s best to find that special someone by the 15th. That gives you enough time for three dates before the holiday, and at that point he’ll certainly want to buy you something nice. Also, in this early getting-to-know-you stage, you can concentrate on your most desired gift. He won’t know all of your interests yet, so be sure to focus those early conversations on the beauty of a full-length ranch mink.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #8)

To save money on decorations this year, put your Christmas tree in a corner.  That way, you only have to decorate approximately half of it. 

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #7)

Help out the environment by purchasing a fake Christmas tree this year. If you want to make it seem more authentic, find some bird's eggs and a nest to put on a couple of the branches.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #6)

Remember, lines at the post office get quite long this time of year. So when you send the maid to mail your packages, have her take some knitting along to keep her busy. That way, you're still getting your money's worth from her.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #5)

Make sure you have last year's blood and urine stains professionally cleaned out of your Santa suit before donning it this season.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #4)

Christmas is a time for family, and so in the spirit of the holiday, several members of the Winsome Family will be offering tips on how to make the most of this festive time. Here is one from Edward.

If you get a job as a department store Santa, sometimes a young child will wet himself on you. You don't even have to pay him. It's just one of the benefits of employment.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #3)

To help your maid celebrate her heritage and culture, put some candy in her pockets, and let the children hit her with a stick. She'll appreciate the effort to make her feel at home without the trouble of having to go to Mexico and then sneak back over the border again.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #2)

Have your maid volunteer at a food bank, and tell her to be sure to grab a few cans of the choicest foods to bring home.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #1)

Sending Christmas cards to your relatives will help keep them at bay for another year, while simultaneously making them think kindly of you. This is important especially if they're elderly and drawing up their wills.

Questions About Australia

I'm so pleased that folks around the world are now viewing my blog. I've received messages from people as far away as India and England. But I've noticed very few people from Australia have tuned in. Curious as to why, I had Cindy do some research.

We found part of the reason is their general lack of communication skills.  And, of course, many prisons don't offer internet access, so that knocks off a large portion of the Australian population right there.  But what about the rest of the population, those that are out on parole?

If any Australians do visit my blog, here are some other unanswered questions that my more intelligent viewers would like answered:

1. Is it true that mental retardation was originally called the Australian Disease?
2. Is Australia's lower rate of child abuse due to the repulsive quality of the children, or to the fact that the adult male population is mostly behind bars?
3. Do most Australians have good relationships with their parole officers?
4. Since there are 100 million sheep in Australia and only 20 million people, what are animals rights groups doing about the other 80 million lonely sheep?
5. Australia's coastline has more than 10,000 beaches. Some of them are nude beaches. Is this part of an effort to keep non-blind tourists away from the area?
6. Australia has the lowest population density in the world, at only two people per square kilometer. Is that because even Australians can't stand to be around other Australians?
7. Since it became illegal to hunt Aboriginal people, and Australians export all their beef, what do they do for dinner?
8. Why haven't Australian criminals learned to hide evidence in kangaroo pouches?

By the way, out of the top twenty-five deadliest snakes in the world, twenty are found in Australia. Efforts are now being made to relocate the other five.

Winsome Family Thanksgiving Message

Hi, Kiddies. I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday. I wanted to share with you a little of the Winsome Family celebration. Like many families, we gather around the table for a big meal, and each person has a chance to say what he or she is thankful for. Here is what a few members of the Winsome Family had to say this year:

Jane is thankful for an unseasonably cool autumn that's provided her with many chances to wear her newest fur coat.

Edward is thankful for thrift store clown suits, and heavy rains washing away evidence.

Milton is thankful for strawberry ice cream.

Cindy is thankful for those nights when she was allowed to stay up well past her bedtime to help on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

And I am thankful for all these wonderful opportunities to reach out and help so many people. Keep those letters coming, Kiddies!

Hello to England and India

Hi, Kiddies! I am so delighted to learn that folks in England and India have been reading my blog. It makes me happy to be able to reach people all over the world. Please consider following the blog so I can know who you are. And feel free to leave comments, or even to ask questions. I'm always tickled pink to be able to offer advice.

And just a reminder: I am also now on Twitter (@GmotherWinsome, thanks to Cindy, who is such a clever girl).

Letter From Ruby Whitaker

 
Sometimes I receive letters from people who are not seeking advice, but who rather want to share their experiences. Such a letter I received today from Mrs. Ruby Whitaker.

Mrs. Whitaker writes, "Our son was afraid of flying. So when our family went on a trip to Hawaii we left him at home. We figured missing out on all the fun would help him get over his silly fear. But when we returned, we found he had died. Apparently five-year-olds aren't capable of taking care of themselves for even a week. I just wanted to let you know so that perhaps our son's death could serve as a warning for other parents in similar circumstances. By the way, Hawaii is beautiful."

Thank you, Ruby, for your letter. I am hoping to get to Hawaii at some point next year.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living: November 2, 2012

 
Have your maid go through the pantry periodically, and donate any expired food to the homeless.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #18)

 
Halloween Tip #18: And remember, there's no real reason why you can't continue scaring the neighborhood children throughout the year. It'll be even more frightening, as it won't be expected.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #17)

Well, the big night is finally here! All the preparations are finished, and the maid has returned to her normal duties. Have a wonderful night, Kiddies!

Halloween Tip #17: Invite the children that catch your attention back for a late-night awards ceremony for Best Costume.  Tell them you're saving the best candy for the three finalists, though everyone who returns will receive something special.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #16)

I'm quite busy supervising the maid's work in preparation for Halloween, so Edward has agreed to contribute today's Halloween tip.

 
Halloween Tip #16: If you love Halloween and are not legally allowed within 300 feet of children, don't despair. Just find an abandoned house and set up shop there. Be sure to wear a mask that hides your features.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #15)

Halloween will be here soon, and the Winsome Family is making some final preparations. Today's Halloween tip was contributed by Edward.

 
Halloween Tip #15: So that Halloween is as enjoyable for you as it is for the children, instead of dropping candy in their sacks, hand feed it to them. You can even make it a game. Blindfold them, and have them guess what kind of candy it is.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #14)

Halloween Tip #14: Assure any parents who show up at your door that you have not put razors or poison in the candy.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #13)

Halloween is the most wonderful time of the year. And it's my birthday. (For anyone who might be wondering, I would love a new mink coat.) To help you make the most of this delightful day, I am presenting daily Halloween tips.

Halloween Tip #13: If you decide to turn in early, hire a homeless person to give out the rest of the candy. Tell him he can keep one piece of candy for himself at the end of the night. And remember to lock your door; you don't want him inside your home.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #12)

Halloween will be here soon, and the Winsome Family is getting into the spirit of things. Here is a Halloween tip contributed by Edward.

Halloween Tip #12: If you have the equipment, project a scary film on your garage door. To make it even more interesting, edit in some of that footage of the neighbors you've been secretly shooting. People love to see themselves on screen. It makes the Halloween experience more personal.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #11)

Halloween is the most wonderful time of the year.  To help you make the most of the holiday, I am presenting daily tips.

Halloween Tip #11: Telling the children you expect something in return for the candy teaches them the important lesson that nothing is really free.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #10)

Halloween is my favorite day. Like most people, I truly enjoy scaring little children. And this is the one day where that doesn't result in problems with the authorities. To help you celebrate the best day of the year, I'm offering daily holiday tips.

Halloween Tip #10: Instead of using a recording of scary sounds, lock some people in the basement. Their screams for help will be much more frightening for the children.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #9)

Halloween is my favorite day of the year. I'm sure it's yours as well. To help you make the most of this splendid day, I'm offering a series of Halloween tips.

Halloween Tip #9: If you've had a recent death in the family, don't bury the corpse until after Halloween. Allow the family member to celebrate one more holiday with you, by propping the body up somewhere in the yard to scare the children. It will also give you one more wonderful anecdote to tell at the funeral.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #8)

Hi, Kiddies. I am so excited because Halloween will be here soon. It is such a wonderful time, and I am here to help you make the most of it by offering daily holiday tips.

Halloween Tip #8: Tell all of the children who come to your door, regardless of their physical appeal, that they look great.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #7)

Other members of the family are getting into the spirit of the holiday.  Here's a tip contributed by Edward.

Halloween Tip #7: Rather than candy, encourage your neighbors to give out warm cider.  Full bladders and a well-placed camera in your bathroom will allow you to revisit Halloween any night of the year.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #6)

Halloween is the best time of the year (and not only because it happens to be my birthday). This is a time for delightful mischief, a time for eating a lot of food that isn't nutritious, and a time for knocking on strangers' doors and making ridiculous demands. To help you all make the most of this holiday, I'm offering a series of Halloween tips.

Halloween Tip #6: Mix things up this Halloween by using animal skeletons. Cats and dogs are good choices, and are easy to come by.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #5)

Hi, Kiddies. I'm excited because Halloween will be here soon. (For those who don't already know, that is also my birthday, and I am in need of a new mink.) To help you make the most of the holiday, I'm offering daily tips.

Halloween Tip #5: Whenever there is a group of children at your door, give the one with the best costume more candy than the others.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #4)

Halloween is the best day of the year. I'm here to help you make the most of your holiday.

Halloween Tip #4: Halloween is a day when you can wear a mask in public without drawing unwanted attention.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #3)

Halloween will be here soon, and I'm here to help, with daily tips on how to make the most of your holiday.

Halloween Tip #3: Turn your tool shed into a haunted house for the children. Hire vagrants to pose as ghosts and demons. You can pay them with cheap wine.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #2)

We're more than halfway through the month now, and it will be Halloween before you know it. To help everyone, I'm offering tips on making the holiday as enjoyable as possible.

Halloween Tip #2: In addition to candy, give each of your trick-or-treaters a big hug and a kiss.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #1)

Halloween is the best holiday of the year, and not just because of the fact that it's my birthday.  It's a time for folks to be delightfully mischievous, and without having to be sly or secretive about it as is customary the rest of the year.

This year I have decided to offer a series of tips to help you enjoy the holiday even more.

Halloween Tip #1: Remember, real human skeletons are much scarier than those plastic fakes.

This Week's Important Question

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living: October 1, 2012

If you discover your child likes to harm animals, remind him of the neighbor's dog that barks late at night.