A Leap Year Message

Happy eleventh birthday, Ty Washington! And congratulations on winning your latest appeal.

It was almost exactly two years ago that Ty first contacted me, seeking legal advice. You can read his letter and my response by clicking here.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Early to bed, early to rise keeps you on the same schedule as all the lovely young schoolchildren.

World War II Victory!

What a wonderful weekend, Kiddies! Saturday we held our World War II reenactment, and it was a lot of fun for both participants and spectators. Cindy helped by setting up the Jews at one end of the field and preheating the ovens. As the bleachers reached capacity, the Nazis, in precise military formation, marched onto the field. At one o'clock sharp, I blew the whistle, and the Nazis charged and defeated the Jewish army. One of the spectators told me it was the swiftest reenactment he had ever witnessed.

The cast and I went out drinking afterward to celebrate. The only person who couldn't make it was Jacob Goldstein, who was injured during the performance. Caught up in the excitement, he tripped over one of the cardboard Jews and banged his head. The rest of us had a fine time and were out quite late. I was tickled pink when one of the young, blond soldiers got a little fresh with me, and he and I then spent a wonderful Valentine's Day together. I will have to remember to contact Jacob to retrieve his Nazi uniform.

Where Are You, Glenn?

I'm back from the bowling alley. Glenn wasn't there. That's just as well, since I don't need him... or any man. Happy Valentine's Day!

Jane's Valentine's Day

I called Glenn to remind him I don't need him. He didn't answer, so I left a message. Happy Valentine's Day!

Jane's Social Work: Valentine's Day Edition

I went to the women's center and grabbed a few of the girls to go out to celebrate. After all, who needs men? Drinking with the girls was a perfect way to celebrate this holiday. It's a shame they had to get back so early, but I can continue to celebrate on my own here at Winsome Headquarters. I found a large cache of special alcohol in the basement. Happy Valentine's Day!

Fanny Mail: Another Request For Cindy

Hi, Kiddies! I received a new letter from Mr. Matthews of the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mr. Matthews writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I wanted to thank you again for sending Cindy to us over the Christmas holiday. She provided those of us here with a tremendous amount of much-needed cheer. It sure would be swell to have her back here on Valentine's Day if she doesn't already have other plans."

Mr. Matthews, it's my pleasure to send Cindy to you. She's going to be very busy this week finishing making Jews for Saturday's World War II reenactment. But she will be free on Valentine's Day, and I'm sure she'll be delighted to spend the holiday with you at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

World War II Update

Kiddies, I couldn't be more excited! Today we had our final dress rehearsal for the World War II reenactment, and it went really well. Although the Jewish army was greatly outnumbered, Cindy assures me that there will be plenty more ready by Saturday. The only misstep of the day came when one of the Nazis got carried away and destroyed one of the Jews. I had to remind her that this was just a rehearsal, and to save that energy for Saturday's performance.

Spread The Word: Super Bowl Edition

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are hosting a Super Bowl party, rather than watch the dull halftime show, replay your favorite episodes of "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute."

World War II Update

Preparations for the upcoming World War II reenactment are going smoothly. Cindy finished making the first batch of Jews this weekend, and they came out great. She worked right up until bedtime last night and used all the cardboard from that bin. Fortunately, after lunch today I found an even larger pile of cardboard in the basement of a nearby building, and Cindy is out retrieving it now. This should be enough to complete the Jewish army, and with Cindy working hard every day after school, it will be ready in time for the reenactment. Cindy says she may get her friend Allie to help out.

World War II Update

Kiddies, the World War II reenactment is only a few weeks away, and everything is on schedule because Cindy has agreed to make some Jews. When Jacob Goldstein became a Nazi following our first dress rehearsal, I decided to go with my backup plan, which is to have the Jews played by cardboard cutouts. Tonight I noticed a large bin of cardboard in an alley just a few miles away from Winsome Headquarters. So I've sent Cindy out to retrieve that cardboard. It looks like there's enough in there for at least a dozen Jews, which is a good start.

World War II Update

Kiddies, this weekend we had our first dress rehearsal for the World War II reenactment, and it went really well. However, after the rehearsal, our lone Jew, Jacob Goldstein, decided he wants to play a Nazi instead. Of course, it just wouldn't be World War II without the Jews. But don't worry - I have a backup plan. The Jews will be played by cardboard cutouts. Now there shouldn't be any argument against using real ovens in the reenactment, as I had intended.

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

What a storm! Though it caused a lot of businesses to shut down early, my Traveling Babysitting Service stayed open to serve the community. The conditions were rough, though, and I ended up sliding off the road into a large snowdrift. It was a back road that doesn't get a lot of traffic, and so the plows didn't come through until morning. I had several foster children in the van with me, and we had to huddle up to stay warm through the night. As the winter continues, no matter how bad the weather gets, I will be there to take your children.

Fanny Mail: A Question From Canada

Hi, Kiddies! Today I received an email from Luke Welch of Canada. Luke writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I really want to tell my girlfriend a funny story, but it would reveal that I've committed a murder. The story just isn’t as humorous without mentioning the murder. What should I do?"

Well, Luke, if the relationship is strong enough for you to call her your girlfriend, you likely have much in common. She will probably be amused by the story. I say tell her. And if your girlfriend reacts poorly, you’ll have another story to tell the next girl.

World War II Update

Kiddies, we got our first Jew! It just wouldn’t be World War II without the Jews, and I’m pleased to announce that today the first Jew signed up for the local World War II reenactment, for which I’ve been chosen as master of ceremonies. Thank you, Jacob Goldstein! You'll be playing Medical Test Subject 132946. Have fun! 

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Write to your mayor and demand that Grandmother Winsome receive a key to your city.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Remember, it's more difficult to bury evidence when the ground is frozen, so plan accordingly.

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

My new business venture is really taking off. It's especially popular with foster parents, who are thrilled with the idea of me taking the children off their hands for a while. I've already picked up a dozen children this week, and expect the weekend will be even busier. I should make enough money in the next couple of weeks to fix the brakes.

Fanny Mail: An Early Morning Email

Good morning, Kiddies! I just received an email from Brandon Hess of New York, New York. Brandon writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've started masturbating when I first wake up to reduce the sexual urges that have gotten me into trouble at work in the past. But masturbating makes me very sleepy and somewhat lazy. I've gone from giving the students in my classroom too much attention to not enough. What should I do?"

Just keep some caffeinated beverages in your desk, Sweetie!

A Tip From Jane

Being selected for jury duty gives you a chance to improve the dating pool. If the defendant is ugly, vote guilty. If he is handsome, release him back into the world.

Jane's Social Work

Over the holidays, one of the girls at the women's center had some troubles. I was ready to defend her until I saw the mug shot of the man in question. Then I had to remind her that it is not sexual harassment if the man is attractive. It is flattery.

Fanny Mail: A Question From A Mother In Wisconsin

Today I received an email from Pauline Schmidt of Marshfield, Wisconsin. Pauline writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, our daughter has been missing for two years. I'm ready to have her declared dead, but my husband is reluctant, saying then we won't be able to claim her as a dependent on our tax forms. Is that true?"

Well, Pauline, I believe that once a child is declared dead, she can no longer be counted as a dependent. So why not hold out hope that your daughter will be found for a little longer, at least until you've filed your taxes?

Exciting News!

Kiddies, I’m so pleased to have been chosen as master of ceremonies for the local World War II reenactment. The response to this event has been great, although the hundreds of people who have signed up so far have all chosen to be Nazis. We need some Jews! If you’d like to play a Jew, please contact the World War II Reenactment Committee.

A New Year's Message From Edward

Last year it was a lot of work turning my ice cream truck into a traveling massage parlor. So this winter I'm doing something different. I've put the ice cream truck in storage until summer, and have acquired another vehicle for my exciting, new business venture, Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service. Sometimes you want a break from your children without having to leave your home.  So I will stop by and take those children off your hands for a few hours, or even overnight, if you'd like. Start the new year off right by putting your children in my hands. I don't have a phone, so just keep an eye out for my van in your neighborhood.

Cindy's Christmas Vacation At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I put on the Santa hat with real cat fur trim that I found in the basement at home this morning, and took the bag of candy that Allie gave me and distributed it to all the patients who made it to the activity room. Mr. Matthews insisted he share his candy cane with me.

Grandmother Winsome's Christmas Message

If the holidays have gotten you down, Kiddies, don't kill yourselves. There will be plenty of new Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts to look forward to in the new year.

Cindy’s Christmas Vacation At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I took down all the stockings with names of patients who have died this past year.

Cindy's Christmas Vacation At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I drew a picture of a Christmas tree and hung it on the wall of the activity room since the patients there do not have a real tree.

Cindy's Christmas Vacation At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I helped Mr. Matthews hang mistletoe in his room.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Kiddies, it's time to revisit some of your favorite Winsome Family Christmas Tips from years past.

• Don't get a terminally ill person a long book as a Christmas gift.  
• If you're unsure what to get someone for Christmas this year, keep in mind that one gift that is always appreciated is the promise of a strong alibi.  
• Remember, lots of people get sick at this time of year, so illness is a believable excuse if you wish to avoid seeing certain relatives. Telling them you don't feel up for a visit isn't really a lie, is it? 
• Use the socks of loved ones who have died in the past year as Christmas stockings. This will keep them present for one final holiday. Don't bother using baby's socks, however, as not much will fit in them.  
• Remember on Christmas to take a moment to think of those less fortunate than you. That's a good way to provide a much needed chuckle during this sometimes stressful holiday.

Cindy's Christmas Vacation At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I swapped out the patients’ pills for the more festive red and green candies.

Fanny Mail: A Christmas Question From San Francisco

Hi, Kiddies! Today I received an email from Oliver Tannenbaum of San Francisco, California. Oliver writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, every year for Christmas I receive a check from my grandmother for $25. The amount never changes, though my grandmother in recent years has actually become quite rich. This year I noticed that my aunt's name had been added to the check as an account holder, and it was done without any warning or explanation. How do I take my aunt's place in this role? Because then there will be no more of these paltry $25 checks."

Well, Oliver, you need to impress upon your grandmother that you are good with money, and that you have her best interests at heart. Or you could approach it from the angle that your aunt isn't any good with money. Perhaps she doesn't have a very good gambling record? Or maybe she's made poor investments in the past? Even if it's something from deep within your aunt's past, mentioning it will certainly jar your grandmother's memory. And, Sweetie, if this was a sudden decision on your grandmother's part, perhaps she isn't doing well, so you'll have to act quickly.

Cindy's Christmas Vacation At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I assisted the nurses by wrapping the patients’ possessions, so they’ll have something to open on Christmas.

Fanny Mail: A Request For Cindy

Hi, Kiddies! Today I received a letter from Mr. Matthews of the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mr. Matthews writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, it doesn't quite feel like Christmas around here. The staff put up some old decorations, but it's just not enough to get the residents to stop moping. A visit from Cindy would sure give us some holiday cheer."

What a great idea, Mr. Matthews! Cindy must have some time off from school for Christmas. Whenever I see her, I'll send her your way.

A Grandmother Winsome Christmas Tip

Rather than buying a gift for your maid, allow her to work a half day on Christmas. That way she'll be refreshed when you bring her in early on the 26th.

Fanny Mail: A Question About A Christmas Visit

Hi, Kiddies! This weekend I received an email from Stephen Hopkins of Boulder, Colorado. Stephen writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, in September for my fortieth birthday my great uncle gave to me a valuable painting that has been in the family for generations. Now he's planning a trip out to visit me this Christmas. With his failing health, I never imagined I'd see him again, let alone that he'd be able to fly all the way out here from Virginia.  But he said he'd really like to spend time with me once more before he passes, and mentioned that he looks forward to seeing where I’ve hung the painting. The truth is, I sold it to finance a memorable weekend in Las Vegas. What should I do?"

Well, Stephen, the important question to consider here is whether your great uncle has any other valuables. If so, then you should definitely welcome him into your home this holiday. When he arrives, tell him that the painting means so much to you that you decided to have the frame polished by professionals. Tell him that the people you chose come highly recommended, and because of that, they’re so busy this holiday that they won’t be able to complete the job until after the new year. That way, even if your great uncle stays for a week, he won’t expect to see the painting. If, on the other hand, this was the only valuable item you stand to inherit from him, then tell him you have other plans for the holiday.
 

Spread The Word

If you hit a parked car, you should always leave a note. And that note should say, “Follow the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog."

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you use the phrase "tickled pink," amend it to "tickled Grandmother Winsome pink."

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are a fashion consultant, recommend to your clients that they wear Grandmother Winsome pink.

Jane's Social Work

I kept hearing that times were changing, and now I believe it. On Saturday I had a date, and the man actually expected me to pay for my own meal. I was astonished and disgusted. And then embarrassed, as of course I hadn't brought my wallet. So today I called an emergency session at the women's center to discuss this problem. Oddly, the girls there were unfazed by my story. They seemed to not have a problem with paying on a date, saying it made them feel more independent. So clearly they're more troubled than I had thought. As I've said before, these girls can really use my help. So I held an impromptu seminar on proper dating etiquette, and stressed how important it is to discover ahead of time whether the man intends to pay or not. I told them to ask the man if the restaurant accepts credit cards, or if they need to swing by the ATM before the date. If the man is worth pursuing, he will say right then that he's paying. If he says anything else, then it's time to back out of the date. It feels good to turn what was a tragedy for me into a lesson for others.

A Tip From Edward

Whenever you see a "Slow Children" sign, take heed and slow down. You may not always see a cute child, but if you speed by, you're almost certain to miss her.

Fanny Mail: A Question From The Coroner's Office

Kiddies, I just received an email marked "URGENT." Matt Finley writes: "I work as a deputy coroner in Las Vegas. I got the paperwork on a young man who'd died, and tried several times throughout the morning and early afternoon to reach his family by phone. We are not allowed to leave messages concerning deaths, so my boss told me to drive by their home to break the news. Well, I ended up at the wrong apartment, but coincidentally the family there had a son with the same name as the deceased. The mother understandably burst into tears, and I did my best to console her. It wasn't until I got back to the office that I realized my mistake. Michael Johnson is such a common name, but still I can't be responsible for there being two Michael Johnsons in the same apartment complex. However, my boss is unlikely to view the situation in that light, and because I was late to work a few times in the past month, I don't want to risk admitting the error. What should I do?"

Well, Matt, it's unhealthy to interrupt the grieving process, especially with news that might provide yet another shock. Admitting the error could also provide your boss with possible grounds for your dismissal. So I think you know what you need to do. The parents are going to require their son's body as they make preparations for the funeral. And this needs to be taken care of soon, before he gets home or contacts them. Don't let an honest mix-up signal the end of a promising and enjoyable career.

Winsome Family History: November 20, 1963

It was fifty-two years ago today that Jack became Jacqueline, the first Winsome Family member to undergo sexual reassignment surgery, thereby successfully eluding the FBI while simultaneously becoming the tallest female Winsome Family member (a record that holds to this day).

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Hire a skywriting team to spell out "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog" over a football stadium this weekend.

Grandmother Winsome's Plan For Improving Car Racing

As you know, Kiddies, I enjoy supplementing my income with a little gambling now and again. Yesterday morning a fan asked me for my inside scoop on a car race. Though I can't bring myself to watch something so dull and repetitive, my fan's question got me to thinking about what it would take to make car racing interesting. I submit this plan to the car-racing officials.

• Instead of an oval configuration, make the track a figure eight, with a four-way stop in the middle.
• Flat courses are too easy, so add some hills, potholes and even a cliff at one side of the track.
• Hold the races at night, so that the drivers' visibility will be challenged.
• Don't allow pit stops; the drivers have to continue without any help.
• As in football, rain or snow should not delay or stop a race. Play through!
• Toss a dozen or so cats onto the course to work as moving obstacles.
• Put a couple of crosswalks on the track, and hire some homeless people to act as pedestrians.
• Build a school for the blind in the grassy area of the course.
• At least two of the cars in any given race must be driven by elderly Asian women.
• Put a post office at one end of the track, and once each race, every driver must stop and wait in line to mail a package. Hire four or five post office employees, but keep only one window open.
• At the other end of the track, build a bar, and instruct each driver to have six drinks over the course of the race.
• Construction crews should constantly alter the course, narrowing it at some points to just one lane. Avoid those orange cones, Kiddies! 
• Each car should have only one sponsor, and the driver must carry some of that product in the car and use it at least once during the race.

Let me know when you've implemented these improvements, and I will begin watching and betting.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Take part in a rally that's getting television coverage, and hold up a sign that says, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Go to your bank wearing dark clothes and a ski mask, but then instead of a demand for money, slip the teller a note which reads, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog." She will be relieved and delighted. Be sure to tell her to have a wonderful day before you leave.