Wednesday, January 27, 2016

World War II Update

Kiddies, the World War II reenactment is only a few weeks away, and everything is on schedule because Cindy has agreed to make some Jews. When Jacob Goldstein became a Nazi following our first dress rehearsal, I decided to go with my backup plan, which is to have the Jews played by cardboard cutouts. Tonight I noticed a large bin of cardboard in an alley just a few miles away from Winsome Headquarters. So I've sent Cindy out to retrieve that cardboard. It looks like there's enough in there for at least a dozen Jews, which is a good start.

Monday, January 25, 2016

World War II Update

Kiddies, this weekend we had our first dress rehearsal for the World War II reenactment, and it went really well. However, after the rehearsal, our lone Jew, Jacob Goldstein, decided he wants to play a Nazi instead. Of course, it just wouldn't be World War II without the Jews. But don't worry - I have a backup plan. The Jews will be played by cardboard cutouts. Now there shouldn't be any argument against using real ovens in the reenactment, as I had intended.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

What a storm! Though it caused a lot of businesses to shut down early, my Traveling Babysitting Service stayed open to serve the community. The conditions were rough, though, and I ended up sliding off the road into a large snowdrift. It was a back road that doesn't get a lot of traffic, and so the plows didn't come through until morning. I had several foster children in the van with me, and we had to huddle up to stay warm through the night. As the winter continues, no matter how bad the weather gets, I will be there to take your children.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Fanny Mail: A Question From Canada

Hi, Kiddies! Today I received an email from Luke Welch of Canada. Luke writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I really want to tell my girlfriend a funny story, but it would reveal that I've committed a murder. The story just isn’t as humorous without mentioning the murder. What should I do?"

Well, Luke, if the relationship is strong enough for you to call her your girlfriend, you likely have much in common. She will probably be amused by the story. I say tell her. And if your girlfriend reacts poorly, you’ll have another story to tell the next girl.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

World War II Update

Kiddies, we got our first Jew! It just wouldn’t be World War II without the Jews, and I’m pleased to announce that today the first Jew signed up for the local World War II reenactment, for which I’ve been chosen as master of ceremonies. Thank you, Jacob Goldstein! You'll be playing Medical Test Subject 132946. Have fun! 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Write to your mayor and demand that Grandmother Winsome receive a key to your city.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Remember, it's more difficult to bury evidence when the ground is frozen, so plan accordingly.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

My new business venture is really taking off. It's especially popular with foster parents, who are thrilled with the idea of me taking the children off their hands for a while. I've already picked up a dozen children this week, and expect the weekend will be even busier. I should make enough money in the next couple of weeks to fix the brakes.

Fanny Mail: An Early Morning Email

Good morning, Kiddies! I just received an email from Brandon Hess of New York, New York. Brandon writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've started masturbating when I first wake up to reduce the sexual urges that have gotten me into trouble at work in the past. But masturbating makes me very sleepy and somewhat lazy. I've gone from giving the students in my classroom too much attention to not enough. What should I do?"

Just keep some caffeinated beverages in your desk, Sweetie!

Thursday, January 7, 2016

A Tip From Jane

Being selected for jury duty gives you a chance to improve the dating pool. If the defendant is ugly, vote guilty. If he is handsome, release him back into the world.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Jane's Social Work

Over the holidays, one of the girls at the women's center had some troubles. I was ready to defend her until I saw the mug shot of the man in question. Then I had to remind her that it is not sexual harassment if the man is attractive. It is flattery.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Fanny Mail: A Question From A Mother In Wisconsin

Today I received an email from Pauline Schmidt of Marshfield, Wisconsin. Pauline writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, our daughter has been missing for two years. I'm ready to have her declared dead, but my husband is reluctant, saying then we won't be able to claim her as a dependent on our tax forms. Is that true?"

Well, Pauline, I believe that once a child is declared dead, she can no longer be counted as a dependent. So why not hold out hope that your daughter will be found for a little longer, at least until you've filed your taxes?

Monday, January 4, 2016

Exciting News!

Kiddies, I’m so pleased to have been chosen as master of ceremonies for the local World War II reenactment. The response to this event has been great, although the hundreds of people who have signed up so far have all chosen to be Nazis. We need some Jews! If you’d like to play a Jew, please contact the World War II Reenactment Committee.

Friday, January 1, 2016

A New Year's Message From Edward

Last year it was a lot of work turning my ice cream truck into a traveling massage parlor. So this winter I'm doing something different. I've put the ice cream truck in storage until summer, and have acquired another vehicle for my exciting, new business venture, Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service. Sometimes you want a break from your children without having to leave your home.  So I will stop by and take those children off your hands for a few hours, or even overnight, if you'd like. Start the new year off right by putting your children in my hands. I don't have a phone, so just keep an eye out for my van in your neighborhood.