Thursday, October 31, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Zombie Precaution Question

Hi, Kiddies! I received this letter a while ago, but I decided to save it for Halloween, as it seems most appropriate for this special holiday.

Sal Tritto of Palm Springs, California writes: "My wife has finally died. However, in the last years of her life she often threatened that she would come back as a zombie and try to eat my brain. So of course I took the precaution of removing her head. But I’m now wondering what I should do about the funeral. Should I put the head in a separate box near the coffin so people can say their farewells to it? Or should I put the head back on her body, just for the ceremony? I'm only worried that it then could reattach itself. It may sound like a strange concern, but this is exactly how my friend Larry was killed."

Sal, if you are worried that her head might somehow reattach itself, then I suggest you keep it separate from the body. Why give yourself that extra stress? Funerals are trying enough, what with hiring the caterer and keeping lint off your black garments and so on. There is no need to have the head and body together. In fact, you might be able to save money by purchasing a shorter coffin. If you are still worried about the head, take it to a taxidermist and have it stuffed. Then you can keep it locked in a safe in your basement, where you can be sure it will be unable to regain its body and attack you for a midnight snack. 

Happy Halloween, Sal. And happy Halloween to you all, Kiddies!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women (Halloween Edition)

Jane offers this thoughtful Halloween dating tip.

If you're set up on a blind date for Halloween, you might be able to judge how far to take things based on the mask the man chooses to wear. If it's a cheap mask, it's best to part company after a few drinks. But if the man is willing to spend a lot of money on something as frivolous as a Halloween costume, just think of what he'll be willing to spend on you.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Poll Results: What do you like most about cats?

Hi, Kiddies! As you know, today is National Cat Day. So of course it only seems appropriate that I release the results of my very first blog poll, "What do you like most about cats?"

And there's still time to vote on my new poll, Kiddies! You can find it in the upper right corner of this page.

National Cat Day

Hi, Kiddies! There are all sorts of strange holidays, and as it turns out, today is National Cat Day. So for all you cat enthusiasts, here is another look at the special cat episode of Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Second Halloween Decoration Question

Hi, Kiddies! As you recall, last week I answered a letter from a man in Bridgeport, Connecticut, who asked about donating blood to his local school's Halloween festivities. Well, this weekend I received an email from a man in Twin Falls, Idaho, who had read my blog post and had a related question.

Robert Gaskin writes: "Can I bequeath my skeleton to the local grammar school to use on Halloween? I’ve always enjoyed scaring children, and I’d like to continue to do so as long as possible."

Well, Robert, I think that's a wonderful idea. Many people donate their bodies to medical students. But why should the older students have all the fun? The younger ones will get a nice fright and may also learn a thing or two about human anatomy. And as I wrote in last year's Halloween Tip #1: "Real human skeletons are much scarier than those plastic fakes."

By the way, Kiddies, Robert also writes in his message: "I would love to send you a mink coat for your birthday. A friend of mine nearby raises minks. Unfortunately, a few months ago some vandals broke in and set loose thousands of the animals. His business hasn't yet recovered. But you're right - minks always make a wonderful gift. I hope you get the coat you want for your birthday."

What a sweet man!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips: Greatest Hits

Hi, Kiddies! Last year the Winsome Family offered a series of tips for Halloween. These tips were viewed by many people all over the world. Some of them were among the most viewed blog entries of the entire year. To help you celebrate Halloween this year, here is a look back at the three most popular tips. I’m sure they’ll help you make the most of your holiday.

Halloween Tip #11: Telling the children you expect something in return for the candy teaches them the important lesson that nothing is really free.

Halloween Tip #14: Assure any parents who show up at your door that you have not put razors or poison in the candy.

Halloween Tip #16: If you love Halloween and are not legally allowed within 300 feet of children, don't despair. Just find an abandoned house and set up shop there. Be sure to wear a mask that hides your features.

Those were the top three fan favorites. And here are two more personal favorites, Kiddies... 

Halloween Tip #3: Turn your tool shed into a haunted house for the children. Hire vagrants to pose as ghosts and demons. You can pay them with cheap wine.

Halloween Tip #10: Instead of using a recording of scary sounds, lock some people in the basement. Their screams for help will be much more frightening for the children.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 43)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I dressed as Mr. Matthews’ dead wife to help him celebrate their wedding anniversary. Mrs. Matthews must have been a short woman, because the wedding gown was only slightly too big for me. As it got dark, I got a little cold, and Mr. Matthews was nice enough to lend me one of his wife’s sweaters, which was actually a bit tight.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Cat Question Update

Hi, Kiddies. Several months ago I received a letter from Steve of Minneapolis, who had asked a grooming question regarding cats. You can read that letter and my response here.

Today I received an email from Steve, asking for an update. Well, Steve, I'm embarrassed to admit that I had completely forgotten about that experiment. But as soon as I got your message, I went down to check on it. Unfortunately, I cannot provide an update, as those cats have in the meantime died.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Halloween Decoration Question

As you know, Kiddies, Halloween will be here soon. (That is also my birthday, for anyone who wishes to send along a present. Minks are always appreciated.) Many people are busy getting prepared for this wonderful holiday. Recently I received a letter from Ronald Bodkins of Bridgeport, Connecticut, with a Halloween question.

Ronald writes: "Is it possible to donate blood to the local school’s Halloween festivities? What kind of container should it be in? Last year I intended to donate some to a friend’s haunted house, but neglected to put a lid on the container, and as a result the trunk of my car is still stained." 

Well, Ronald, what a thoughtful idea! The children will love the authenticity of the Halloween scares which your (or whoever’s) blood will provide. I would contact the adult in charge of planning the Halloween activities, and see if she is need of some more blood. She’d also likely be able to advise you on the proper choice of containers. But certainly you won’t make the same mistake as last year. Sometimes blood stains are difficult to remove, Sweetie. Happy Halloween!

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 42)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I raked leaves from the entrance to the Birch Street Nursing Home. As I was finishing, Mr. Matthews called down from his open window to say some leaves had also ended up in his room. So I went in and cleaned those up too.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 41)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I put on some of Mr. Matthews' dead wife's perfume because he says it helps him remember the good old days.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 40)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I helped decorate the Birch Street Nursing Home for Halloween. I had some extra glow-in-the-dark skull stickers so I put them on the patients' walls just above their beds, where even the invalids can enjoy them.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Grandmother Winsome Wants To Know

Hi, Kiddies! You will notice something new on my blog today. I always love receiving letters and emails from my fans. You've asked me so many excellent questions. Now it's time for me to ask you a question or two. From time to time I'll be posting a poll. Please take a moment to vote, and later I will let you know the results.