Thursday, May 24, 2012

Holiday weekends are the busiest times for emergency rooms, in part because the more experienced, qualified doctors take time off while the rest of the staff have a go at it. I recommend you do all the reckless things on your list tonight. With a little bit of planning, you’ll be discharged in time to accomplish everything else on your list. You may even have extra time to do things not on your list, like seeing your family.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Adopting A Child

  1. Make sure the child doesn't need any special medication or food. That could become costly and burdensome. 
  2. Younger children are more malleable, so avoid ones that have been in circulation too long. Those are also more likely to have picked up some bad habits. 
  3. Ask to see the child naked first. The adoption agency might be trying to hide a deformity or birth mark with clothing. 
  4. Firm thighs are a sign of a healthy child, so give them a good squeeze. Think of children the way you think of fruit. Watch for bruising. 
  5. If possible, take a look at the child's actual parents. If they're ugly, there's a good chance that before long the child will turn ugly too. 
  6. If the child is already able to talk, ask it what its expectations are. Then see if those are in line with your plans. 
  7. Ask the adoption agency for a demonstration of the child's pain threshold. 
  8. If you adopt a child from another country, there will be less of a paper trail, but make sure that shipping is included in the cost. That's where they try to get you. 
  9. Shop around. Even if you really like the first child you see, hold off purchase until you've gone to at least one or two competing agencies. 
  10. Save your receipt. If something goes wrong with the child in the first ninety days, you should be able to return it for a full refund.

 These tips will help make your adoption experience more pleasant.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

What To Call Your Puppy

Donna Kelley from Montreal writes, “Dear Grandmother Winsome, will giving my puppy a cute name help her get adopted when I decide that I’m ready for a new puppy?”

Donna, it probably wouldn’t hurt.  But the truth is it really doesn’t matter what you call the dog.  Pick a word or phrase that you like.  When you are ready to drop the dog off at the shelter, you can tell them any old name.  They’ll be none the wiser.  If by some chance the dog does get adopted, the new owners will probably give it another name anyway, one that suits their inclinations.  In the more likely scenario that the dog will get gassed, it may give the shelter worker a laugh if you say the dog is named Charcoal or Anne Frank.

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Tooth Fairy's Query

Hi, kiddies.  I've been receiving a lot of letters lately from parents with various important concerns.  Today I'd like to share one of those letters with you.

Tammy Montgomery writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my child lost his first tooth yesterday.  He put it under his pillow, so of course I took it and left him a quarter.  But now I'm wondering, what do I do with this tooth?  It seems wrong somehow to just throw it away.  After all, it's a piece of my child.  I wouldn't throw away his leg or hand or eyes if they should fall off.  So I was thinking I might wait until the rest of his teeth have fallen out and make a necklace out of them.  But I was wondering if you or any of your viewers might have other ideas.  I would be grateful for any suggestions."

Tammy, first of all, I think the necklace idea is wonderful.  And possibly profitable.  If you have a few other children, you might consider a jewelry line.  You could sell them from home.  On the other hand, let me stress that you shouldn't feel obligated to save any part of your child.  It's enough that you feed and clothe him.  Tossing away his teeth doesn't mean you care for him any less.  You don't want to become one of those mothers who saves her child's drawings and school papers and Mother's Day cards.  Never become too attached.

I do, however, encourage my loyal viewers to write in with any suggestions they might have for Tammy.  I know some of you have had children, and possibly a few of them lived long enough for their teeth to fall out.  What did you do with those teeth?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I rarely get asked sports-related questions, so I was tickled pink to receive this letter from Chuck of West Virginia.

Chuck writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, rumor has it that you've made a fortune over the years betting on basketball games.  If this is true, what is the secret to your success?"

Well, Chuck, the first thing I do is see which team has more white players.  Then I bet on the other team. Remember to not allow your personal feelings to get in the way when betting.

Monday, May 7, 2012

A Loyal Viewer's Request

Hello, kiddies. Today I received a letter from a thoughtful woman, who has asked me to post her dilemma here on my blog. I am guessing that there are many of you who will also benefit, so I am happy to oblige.

She writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, people often ask me which of my children I prefer. I always say the thin pretty one. But the truth is neither of my children is pretty. Obviously the large one isn't. But the thin one is sort of awkward and has acne. I hate being asked this question, because it reminds me of how unfortunate I am. I'd rather go through the day without thinking about my children. I'd be grateful if you'd please pass this on to your loyal viewers and readers. And perhaps if the word is spread, people will cease to ask this disturbing question. Also, if you have any advice as to how I should answer if someone does ask me this question again, I would certainly appreciate your wisdom. Thank you so much, Grandmother Winsome."

I agree that people should not ask about other people's children. No one wants to be reminded of her burdens throughout the day. And to answer your question, sometimes the truth is your best ally. The next time you're asked this awful question, look the person straight in the eye and say, "I don't care for either of my children." I bet that person will avoid asking you about them in the future, and may in fact stop asking you questions altogether. I'm so glad that I've been able to help.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Grandmother Winsome's Tip For The Weekend

When tossing a bag of evidence into the dumpster, make sure the bag is left untied. That way, there's a better chance the contents will mix in with other people's evidence.